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Literally. Why do we fall in love so easy, even when its not right. He wants a dependent relationship. Where he can have all his freedom. I want a relationship whereby I can have someone to rely on. Be there when I need him. A guy who wont forget to text back, Give me morale support or encouragement when I need it. Spare an extra thoughts for me, be a little sensitive to how im feeling when he know it's not right and know how to handle, lend me a pair of ears to my problems, a pair of shoulders for me to lean on and cry on, a pair of arms to bring me in for a warmth tight hug. I really want us to work this out. But it seems like a single effort thing now. Im tired. Really tired from feeling all these, yet iu still don't wanna give up. disappointed but im trying to take back all my expectations that I have from him one by one. Someone I know I wont rely on any further and still love? Cuz he is also slowly taking back things he once did to get me but all these all being put down one by one without him realizing,

I don't wanna give up if feelings still exist.. I just need a break.

Exist?

The first relationship that I got myself into. Feeling really blessed to have met him, though he might not be the perfect guy to fulfil all above criteria.

It do make me think, am I the one who have been expecting too much for a guy to commit. But these are really what I look into and what girls really need more than having guys with 5Cs but failed to have all these.

Not forgetting the few add-ons to the list:

1. Guys who will insist of sending you home/fetching you to work/back from work regardless of time, location, distance or transport inconveniences or despite having you to turn his offer down.

(It's always the thought that count)

2. Guys who will accept and respect you for who you are. Regardless of how you dressed, with or without make up.

(It means a lot to be accepted and be loved for who you are not who you try to be to be love)

3. Guys who never feel tired to commit or initiate. Respect and cherish all time spent for all dates.

(It mean to the girl that the guy actually wanted to spend his time with you than spending it with anyone else.)

4. Guys who will drop you surprise visits or surprise small little gifts regardless of festivals, events or monthsary/anniversary.

(It do make you feel loved like it's valentine everyday)

Just all these. I'm not sure if these are all too much to ask for. But every girl would definitely want her boy to fulfil all these. They might fail to meet all these at times but at least they try.

Every girl would want a sweet, romantic and most importantly a committed boy to work all these out in their relationship.

I'm still quiet and awkward with him. Tired, is just an excuse to avoid more awkwardness. But sometimes, as much as I wanted to initiate a conversation, it make me feel hard to hold it up and keep the conversation going. And that actually add on to much stress. The main reason is, I never have close relationship with a guy before. And I really don't know what kind of conversation to actually bring it up, and if he seems uninterested in that topic, it just kinda make me feel ... "Why not just keep quiet?" and the silent war begin all the way. That's the sucky part of our date.

I don't see the forever that is in our relationship, I don't know how far would this awkwardness still be in me (what if it takes forever?)

But as much as I still love him, I would never wanna give up trying.

But the problem now is, should I tell him all my criterias on the above? It's not hard to meet, it just requires effort and commitment and that's really the key to make any relationship work.

Song that is totally to the mood:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtnaKVsRf3Y

Too much to handle? Not really.

Pinning too high hope and expectations when our current status have yet to be stable to progress further.

Have yet to understand each other better. But it just seems that both of us are facing the same personality problem and it seems that we are not meant for each other.

Too much of awkwardness which we have yet to overcome but we have already expect too much from each other. Indeed, im a poor conversationist but also a poor responder. That show how much of initiative i have lack of.

Which that lead to all existing problems to develope. He is tired of trying, to initiate, sick of our awkwardness. Thus that urge me to start initiating. Blame it on girls'sixth sense or i've been thinking too much. But things are obviously not feeling the same anymore.

Im not his priority to meet anymore. ".. should be free" "not free.. because he have events with friends". He totally gave up on initiating for meet ups and texts. Trust me, when he want me to start initiating, it really make me think that i should and a little regret that i've always been taking things for granted and happily receiving from him. But i've not been a poor responder to all his requests, texts and meetups.

But that's what is lacking from him. No more prompt reply.And Whatsapp "last seen" feature is really being of much bitch that have became the main disturbance to my mood. No more initiatives from him. Are these too much to even asked for? Hinting or giving me his honesty that " I'm not a good guy". Probably I've bene reading too much into words. But feeling just tell me everything just dont feel right anymore.

Nothing is motivating enough for me to move on. We have the same personality. Too quiet till we are comfortable with that particular person. And im much of a boring person. We spent most of our meet up for movies and so far with only 2 proper dinner date. How to communicate? That could also be the reason why we are still awkward with each other.

Life as a girl who have been single for her whole 21 years and dont know what she exactly want from a boy. But too much of dramas with happy dates, happy endings have given her too much to dream and expect from. I've so much that i wanna do with him. But reality always hit me with the truth that he is just your friend, not your boyfriend. That hold me back.

I'm always not in the right position to request or ask anything from him, cause we are just- Friends. But probably something more and less than a friend.

What actually further hit me to the bottom is, I'm not his priority to spend his 21st with apart from his family. No reply, I continue to initiate. But couldn't celebrate even on the night before, actual day (night). #lifeasanurse #shiftworksuck. Could only celebrate with him the dat after before his book in. I could have agree to it but I didnt.

Trust me, by reading at all the above, what could be motivating enough for you to carry on to initiate? It's not like i didnt try at all. I've tried, but the way he respond and react really make me utterly disappointed. There's really nothing that I could look forward to, nothing that I could ask for, nothing that I could carry on with my one party initiation. I'JUST TOO TIRED WITH ALL THESE.

Time to give up and move on.

It's never easy. Never, never easy. Afterall, he is the first guy that 've feel so much for, the first guy that i've put in the most effort and feeling for. The first guy that i actually initiate for meet ups and texts. The first guy that can catually bring my mood and emotions up a roller coaster ride, that can actually affect my mood for work. The first guy that I really wsh to hear from the first thing when i wake up in the morning and the last thing before i head to bed. The first guy that actually gave my heart premature ventricular contractions whenever we are close tgt or waiting for replies. The first guy that have given me so much to remember. The first guy that I actually want us to start and last.

I can cry, I can hide and isolate myself from friends, events and social networks associated with him. I can feel low at work that i need to feel busy to forget everything and numb myself from feeling all these pain.

But, life gotta move on. Thankful to all the friends and colleagues that I've with me. I will learn to handle all these shits myself. If this is the process that we have to go through to grow up, I will learn to. I might not stand strong enough to handle all these myself now, but I believe I eventually will.

Probably I will get to think of you most of the time, sometimes, occassionally. Probably my heart and mind might still not be in the right state to be friends with you.

But over some time, everything will turn out to be fine and things, heart, mind will all be back in place. Continue to search for your happiness, i might not be able to give you the blessings if you are finding soon, but trrust me, i will learn to.

I will learn to let go and accept the truth that we are just not meant for each other.Will be officially giving you up after pasisng you your birthday gifts though was initially looking forward to spend it with you, but not anymore.

Goodbye.

2 months, & this coming monday marks the end of my probation. I really cannot imagine to be alone though i know i have to. but it just seems that im still not mentally prepared for it. There's still stuffs that im still in doubt of, there's still stuffs that i still need someone to be there to double confirm with. I really have no confident to manage my patients solely.

I knew i was a really introvert and self reserved and awkward person but i didn't knew it was to this extend.'I seriously don't know what's wrong with me and what's holding me back. But what im sure was, this isnt what i want. Probably, I was afraid of being judge, being judge for being too fake, maybe i just don't know how should i start to communicate. But after typing out the one whole load of reasons, all of it just doesnt makes any sense. But one of it may be true. Im afraid of being judged by her. I don't wanna be see as someone who doesn't know my stuffs well enough. I knew she was nice and she is really nice!! I feel so protected under her and when i started working under staffs who aren't as nice as her, i started to see my weakness much more clearer. And when i realized that i've to rely on her more than anybody else. but it was kinda too late. But i knew, she will always be the first in line who will be more than willing to guide and help me more than anyone elses will.

Jiayou jiawen. Don't be afraid. You gotta know that you've to learn.

- Don't be afraid of being judge, everyone has been judged it's just whether they know it or not.
- Don't be afraid to show your weakness but to a certain extend.
- Learn to trust people, but trust the right people.
- Be more confident of yourself, you'll be alone soon.

No one knows you better than you do, shutting yourself and thoughts up aren't gonna help you in communicating, others wont even know what's up on your mind. That won't help in facilitating in your working process.

Most importantly, learn to speak up more. No one's gonna judge you at what you are talking as long as what you talk are appropriate enough. So just join in any conversation.

I've unofficially graduated & officially unemployed for the 1.5 months. The long awaited holiday to enjoy but I really hate it to put finances consideration infront of everything I do, I buy and everywhere that I would like to go. Furthermore imagine what if I'm bond-less and I've no extra allowance, how would everything be like uh.. (Scary thoughts) Till now, I'm still not used to the fact that "I'm schooless now" During the 4 months posting all I'm looking forward to was the end of everything, the last day to be back in school again. But it just happened that the last day of school was too chaotic (everyone was everywhere) really hard to find everyone to catch up with, to congrats, to take pictures with and to bid goodbye. 3 years of poly life might be short but I swear it was my happiest schooling days! Thankful to all the kind souls that I've met and knew along these 3 years.

P26/T10, P10/T05 - Knowing you guys was really one of the happiest blessing things!:D

Hello lyfe-melody@blogspot! I'm back again after a long time. Life's been great. 6 weeks of attachment has ended. Ward 53C & 75 is fun. Ward 76 for PRCP. Orthopaedics. Dramas & meet ups for this precious 2 weeks of holiday before Project P & PRCP starts. Night shift, 3 consecutive night per week and maximum we've to complete to cycle which means 2 weeks. I'm just really hoping I can pull through the night hour and won't do blur mistakes. 14 Credits for PRCP is no joke kay. Drama that I'm hooked on recently. "In time with you" & "Ring ring bell" & they are seriously nice.

Altered mental state related to confusion. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, where i've already made my first move but, i'm too afraid to make any further steps ahead, neither do i wanna retreat. Someone, sort this feeling out for me please. I'm i being too unrealistic to yearn for stuffs that was never meant to be mine, was i really timid or was I too greedy to ask for more? It takes time for courage to be build, but since I wasn't that courageous, why did i ever dug out these memories which will allowed it to trigger my emotions off. That was so much of asking for problem isn't it? And since, I've started this trouble, i shouldn't gave up without making any efforts and try. Hahhs, but it make me seems silly, really silly in holding on to such memories which doesnt even make any impact on him, which i believe he wont even remember an incident like this ever happened. We missed out so much of each other's life so what if we were to meet again? Those memories won't make any difference, it will only reflect on the distance which time/fate drew us apart. So what by the time, another disappointment? Couldn't believe im saying this for 'n' times

"Let nature take it's course, what meant to be will be"

The best quote that could bring me the biggest relieve now. I'm not leaving everything to fate, I'll throw in my own efforts, jab myself with overdosage of courage. Typing of this post did helped in lightening my mood(: (Hopeful/jovial/bubbly)